Freebies & Fun

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

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STRANGE BUT TRUE [AND UNVERIFIED!] FACTS

-Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
-40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
-315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
-On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
-Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
-Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
-Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
-Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
-There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.
-Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves.
-The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby".
-By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
-Mosquito repellents don't repel... they hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
-Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
-The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
-Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
-Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
-Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
-The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
-To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
-The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
-The 'hash' (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
-The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
-Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
-The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
-'Dreamt' is the only word in the English language that ends in "MT".
-It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
-In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
-A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
-We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
-Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
-Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.
-Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
-Blue is the favourite colour of 80% of Americans.
-When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
-There are more chickens than people in the world.
-The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
-There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
-The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
-The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.
-The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
-The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette company died of lung cancer.
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
-Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
-You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
-A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
-Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
-The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
-When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
-Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
-A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
-"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
-Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
-Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
-"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters.

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SOME INTERESTING FACTS...

- You can't create a folder called 'con' in Microsoft Windows.
- All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
- The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long.
- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
- About 1 in 30 people in the U.S. are in jail, on probation, or on parole.
- Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.
- The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design.
- Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.
- The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- An average persons hand does 56% of the typing.
- The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.
- Some Malaysians protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.
- The only two animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.
- Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year!
- Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
- An octopus' testicles are located in its head.
- Oenophobia is the Fear of wines.
- The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
- The word 'News' is actually an acronym standing for the 4 cardinal compass points - North, East, West, and South!
- Phobatrivaphobia is fear of trivia about phobias.
- The Muppet Show was banned from Saudi Arabian TV because one if its stars was a pig.
- Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
- China has more English speakers than the United States.
- All the swans in England are property of the Queen.
- The Yo-Yo originated as a weapon in the Philippine Islands during the sixteenth century.
- The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".
- A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
- A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.
- India never invaded any country in her last 10,000 years of history.
- Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
- In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.
- "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
- Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.
- 55 per cent of people yawn within 5 minutes of seeing someone else yawn. Reading about yawning makes most people yawn.

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LAWS OF INEVITABILITY

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

LAW OF THE ALIBI
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

LAW OF THE BATH
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF THE THEATER
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you go, there you are.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

BROWN'S LAW
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

OLIVER'S LAW
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

WILSON'S LAW
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

DOCTORS' LAW
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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Spanish word of the days

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My girl gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My wife farted... bad, and I couldn't brief.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom .

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girl wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
You told me you were goin' to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market but she didn't wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I have some cake to share with my wife- this is my piece and this is herpes.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed with my girlfriend so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club and my old lady got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey, I'm going to eat Paco's food, tell me if juicy him.

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SNAPPIN' ONE OFF...

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
POWER DUMP POOPIE: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* - a poopie!

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50 THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humor, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

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25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on - don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

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21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive..

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FIVE MOSTLY POINTLESS RIDDLES
These questions are designed to see if you're really thinking. It sharpens your brain and makes you think maybe that extra beer last weekend really wasn't such a good idea...

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

The answers to all five the riddles are below:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter E, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

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A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father.

"I want to marry your daughter." "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love," says the young man."You see that cow out in the pasture? Well, go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love."

On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope," says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it." Again the boy obliges.

A few minutes later he returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet - just one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go do it, too." Once again he obliges and returns.

This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." The boy replies, "Screw your daughter, how much you want for that pig?"

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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - a mere 380 million children according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes, one presumes there's at least one good child in each!

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of out calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional can run, tops, 15 miles per hour!

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ship.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second! Each! In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500,061 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

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THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1. Talk about huge, firm, delicious, succulent, inviting breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Seconds? I can handle thirds, maybe even fourths!
9. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
10. Just pull the skin back, try the end of it and see how you like it!
11. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
12. Don't play with your meat.
13. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
14. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
15. There will be enough for everyone to get stuffed three of four times!
16. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
17. You still have a little bit on your chin.
18. How long will it take after you stick it in?
19. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
21. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
22. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
23. Oh please, can I have just a little nibble?

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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

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Things you shouldnt say to a cop when he pulls you over...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around -
that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

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Signs That You Are Too Drunk...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

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Beer Troubleshooting....

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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125 things never to say during sex....

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly) .
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t

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The Top Ten Signs That Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker:

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

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If AOL were a city:

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all females were HOT 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex!
2. You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck!
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99!
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard!
5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com!
6. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really important you are to us!"
7. The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else!
8. Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue!
9. Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you violently screaming, "M/F??!!", "AGE/SEX?!?!"
10. Those that didn't do the above would call you and say, "Hi, I'm J0e Haxor from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family!"
11. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!"
12. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license plate and laugh behind your back!
13. Your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert!
14. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's fault!
15. You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms!
16. You wouldn't have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in late at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunrise!

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Top Sixteen Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on *COPS*.
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean...
10. You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8. We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*!
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother.


And The Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan:
1. We put the *Ho* in *Motel*.

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Little known facts

* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(eeewwwwwwwww!!)

* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood
plasma.

* American car horns beep in the tone of F.

* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

* 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or
older.

* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each
salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.

* The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of
pickles the company once had.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (all together
now...eeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!)

* The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

* Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez
dispenser.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was
talked out of it by her doctor.

* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

* Pearls melt in vinegar.

* It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's
supply of footballs.

* The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

* Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the
engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor
and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.

* Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all
the letters from the word "criminal."

* The second? William Jefferson Clinton